Everything I said yesterday now has to change.
cant tell him
will never be good enough for him.
ever.
Sucks.
Ugh.
Found out amie was cutting again, and it caused a massive blow up in the house. This is always brilliant.
Lots of tension in the house.
Genuinely pissed off.
Fuck sake.
So, over the past couple of days I have been deeply thinking. And I mean, its all consuming. Like all of the time. But anyway, this is a good thing. Its not often I allow myself to actually think. Because thinking normally leads to bad things happening. But over the past few days it has been constructive.
There are many things I need to do in my life to make myself happier. I mean, I am pretty happy. The beginning of 2011, yeah not so much. But now I am better, I am not ill anymore, I feel like I am normal again. There was a time that was such a scary thought, the idea of being normal. The idea that depression wouldn’t consume me all the time and that happiness would come. That felt weird to me. I couldnt remember what true happiness felt like, and to be honest, it scared me to death. Depression was what I was comfortable with, and even though I knew I didnt like it, it was familiar. It was what I knew. But now I am better. I can be happy. I still get down every now and again, but only for a few days, and I am back, instead of being miserable all of the fucking time. And this is progress.
However, progress still needs to be made. I find myself angry a lot of the time now, and I put up these massive walls, these huge walls that nobody is able to tear down. I act like I am this fearless girl, and like nothing can get to me. And I have learnt that when you do that, for a long period of time, and something does genuinely get through, it comes crashing down. So now, working as my own councellor, I have decided to make some changes in my life.
Number 1: I must stop being so fucking self-sacrificing. In the sense that, if I like someone, I must stop thinking to myself: Oh they will never be happy with me, just let them be. I must stop hiding my emotions like this, because this means, that when they eventually find someone else, it crushes me. Even though, I have been the one to choose that I dont want to be with them, it still hurts me. I dont know why, but it does. I need to stop thinking that I am not good enough for someone. Because I am. I have just as much right to be happy with someone as anyone else does. And fuck it, if it doesnt work out it doesnt work out. Just put it down to life experience. But stop hiding my emotions, because in the end, all you are left with are ‘ifs’, ‘buts’, and ‘maybes’. And those hurt more then anything, because the possibility was there I could make something out of a relationship, but because I decided not to act upon it…. I am left alone.
Number 2: Stop lieing to people. I dont do big lies to people, but I lie about how I feel all the time. Perfect example being ‘No I’m Fine,’ or ‘I dont like you’. Yeah they are brilliant. How am I supposed to make myself feel better in bad situations, if I do not tell the people I love how I am feeling properly. Stupid Vickie. Be more honest. And if someone pisses me the fuck off, I am sure as hell going to tell them now.
Number 3: Stop degrading yourself. Yes you are 18, coming up 19. Yes you are going to have urges. Does not mean, that you should allow men to use you for pleasure. In fact I should not use them for pleasure. Yes, its my way of getting men back for all of the sexual abuse that encountered in my younger years. But does it make me feel any better? In the long term, no. I walk away from peoples houses after being with a guy and I feel like shit, but I do it again, why? Primal Instinct. I like to think I am civilised, but I do this? No. I deserve better. I deserve to feel wanted, and not like some fucking sex object. I need to stop this now, because I am a good person, and this is not me. This is me, trying to prove shit doesnt hurt and trying to prove a point. Stop it. Not proving anything.
Number 4: Allow yourself to fall in love. Stop being a dick about who you like, and running away from it. Stop denying it. If you like someone tell them. Fuck sake, stop thinking about the consequences… take a chance. That one person that I like at the moment, well there great? Why arent you telling them… because in 7 months time your walking away from this city. Oh well, fuck it. Tell them, when its right. And not over msn. Or by text. To their face. MAN THE FUCK UP!.
Number 5: Stop being so hard on myself. Yes, sometimes I need to kick myself in to touch, does not mean I need to punish myself and feel bad for months on end for one little mistake. Does not mean I need to isolate myself, or hurt myself to do it. And by hurting I mean emotionally tearing away at myself. Thank god the physical hurting stopped about 2 years ago now. Good, thats progress.
Finally. Be happy. Allow myself to be happy. Stop thinking that I shouldnt be like this, and allow myself to fuck up. Dont go too reckless but dont shelter yourself either. Just be who you are and if people cannot accept that, then fuck them. They are not worth being any part of my life.
Like literally everyone.
Society is shit?
What the fuck is the world coming to?
-sigh-
People need to sort themselves the fuck out.
Oh I’m sorry for trying to help you to recover.
My bad.
Maybe if you talked about what is in your head then you wouldn’t have to cut.
In fact if you took any of the advice or help I give you then you might be fine.
But no.
Your too much of a fucking coward to go and talk to someone and admit you might have a problem.
And yes.
I can see your private blog.
But you cannot see mine.
Fuck you.
I just wanna go crawl up in a corner to be honest.
Where I can vent without anyone seeing.
No point in changing the layout, because I doubt anyone will ever see this. This is a good thing. Ever since my cousin moved in, I cannot vent. Because she will see it, and see it in me. Thats not a good thing. I love her, but trying to keep things private is a nightmare. So hopefully she wont find this. *fingers crossed*
Anyway, I am sure I will vent when I am good and ready. In fact I am sure of it. What with college coming up, and that mood slowly kicking back in again. Oh the joys of depression or whatever the fuck this is. Its so complex, people cannot diagnose it. ‘Apparently’ I can deal with myself better then psychologists can. Fucking shrinks, always palming you off so they don’t have to pay out for treatment or therapy. Fuck the NHS.
And the great thing is, I probably need the therapy more then ever. More then I am willing to admit to myself. More then I am willing to admit to anyone. I just… I dont know what I am becoming. And it scares me shitless. Not being in control. Thats one of the things that worries me the most. Must be in control at all times. With food, with men, with everything. One time, I wasnt in control and it led back to the cutting. Fuck going back to that. Though it is tempting. Very tempting.
I could cover it. I know I could hide it. But falling into that habit is stupid. So finding control in other areas of my life seems more appropriate. Like with men. Lots of control over men. No more being used or hurt by them for me. If I stay in control, they cant fuck me about. And by fuck me about I mean force me into shit. Fucking men, see girls as targets. Anything they cant have they take, and it seems to me I am the girl they seem to prey on. Like an eagle and a mouse. Fuck it.
Anyways. I’m out. Need to post more focused posts at some point. Not ones where everything comes out. Focus is good.