Where I can vent without anyone seeing.
No point in changing the layout, because I doubt anyone will ever see this. This is a good thing. Ever since my cousin moved in, I cannot vent. Because she will see it, and see it in me. Thats not a good thing. I love her, but trying to keep things private is a nightmare. So hopefully she wont find this. *fingers crossed*

Anyway, I am sure I will vent when I am good and ready. In fact I am sure of it. What with college coming up, and that mood slowly kicking back in again. Oh the joys of depression or whatever the fuck this is. Its so complex, people cannot diagnose it. ‘Apparently’ I can deal with myself better then psychologists can. Fucking shrinks, always palming you off so they don’t have to pay out for treatment or therapy. Fuck the NHS.

And the great thing is, I probably need the therapy more then ever. More then I am willing to admit to myself. More then I am willing to admit to anyone. I just… I dont know what I am becoming. And it scares me shitless. Not being in control. Thats one of the things that worries me the most. Must be in control at all times. With food, with men, with everything. One time, I wasnt in control and it led back to the cutting. Fuck going back to that. Though it is tempting. Very tempting.

I could cover it. I know I could hide it. But falling into that habit is stupid. So finding control in other areas of my life seems more appropriate. Like with men. Lots of control over men. No more being used or hurt by them for me. If I stay in control, they cant fuck me about. And by fuck me about I mean force me into shit. Fucking men, see girls as targets. Anything they cant have they take, and it seems to me I am the girl they seem to prey on. Like an eagle and a mouse. Fuck it.

Anyways. I’m out. Need to post more focused posts at some point. Not ones where everything comes out. Focus is good.