So, over the past couple of days I have been deeply thinking. And I mean, its all consuming. Like all of the time. But anyway, this is a good thing. Its not often I allow myself to actually think. Because thinking normally leads to bad things happening. But over the past few days it has been constructive.

There are many things I need to do in my life to make myself happier. I mean, I am pretty happy. The beginning of 2011, yeah not so much. But now I am better, I am not ill anymore, I feel like I am normal again. There was a time that was such a scary thought, the idea of being normal. The idea that depression wouldn’t consume me all the time and that happiness would come. That felt weird to me. I couldnt remember what true happiness felt like, and to be honest, it scared me to death. Depression was what I was comfortable with, and even though I knew I didnt like it, it was familiar. It was what I knew. But now I am better. I can be happy. I still get down every now and again, but only for a few days, and I am back, instead of being miserable all of the fucking time. And this is progress.

However, progress still needs to be made. I find myself angry a lot of the time now, and I put up these massive walls, these huge walls that nobody is able to tear down. I act like I am this fearless girl, and like nothing can get to me. And I have learnt that when you do that, for a long period of time, and something does genuinely get through, it comes crashing down. So now, working as my own councellor, I have decided to make some changes in my life.

Number 1: I must stop being so fucking self-sacrificing. In the sense that, if I like someone, I must stop thinking to myself: Oh they will never be happy with me, just let them be. I must stop hiding my emotions like this, because this means, that when they eventually find someone else, it crushes me. Even though, I have been the one to choose that I dont want to be with them, it still hurts me. I dont know why, but it does. I need to stop thinking that I am not good enough for someone. Because I am. I have just as much right to be happy with someone as anyone else does. And fuck it, if it doesnt work out it doesnt work out. Just put it down to life experience. But stop hiding my emotions, because in the end, all you are left with are ‘ifs’, ‘buts’, and ‘maybes’. And those hurt more then anything, because the possibility was there I could make something out of a relationship, but because I decided not to act upon it…. I am left alone.

Number 2: Stop lieing to people. I dont do big lies to people, but I lie about how I feel all the time. Perfect example being ‘No I’m Fine,’ or ‘I dont like you’. Yeah they are brilliant. How am I supposed to make myself feel better in bad situations, if I do not tell the people I love how I am feeling properly. Stupid Vickie. Be more honest. And if someone pisses me the fuck off, I am sure as hell going to tell them now.

Number 3: Stop degrading yourself. Yes you are 18, coming up 19. Yes you are going to have urges. Does not mean, that you should allow men to use you for pleasure. In fact I should not use them for pleasure. Yes, its my way of getting men back for all of the sexual abuse that encountered in my younger years. But does it make me feel any better? In the long term, no. I walk away from peoples houses after being with a guy and I feel like shit, but I do it again, why? Primal Instinct. I like to think I am civilised, but I do this? No. I deserve better. I deserve to feel wanted, and not like some fucking sex object. I need to stop this now, because I am a good person, and this is not me. This is me, trying to prove shit doesnt hurt and trying to prove a point. Stop it. Not proving anything.

Number 4: Allow yourself to fall in love. Stop being a dick about who you like, and running away from it. Stop denying it. If you like someone tell them. Fuck sake, stop thinking about the consequences… take a chance. That one person that I like at the moment, well there great? Why arent you telling them… because in 7 months time your walking away from this city. Oh well, fuck it. Tell them, when its right. And not over msn. Or by text. To their face. MAN THE FUCK UP!.

Number 5: Stop being so hard on myself. Yes, sometimes I need to kick myself in to touch, does not mean I need to punish myself and feel bad for months on end for one little mistake. Does not mean I need to isolate myself, or hurt myself to do it. And by hurting I mean emotionally tearing away at myself. Thank god the physical hurting stopped about 2 years ago now. Good, thats progress.

Finally. Be happy. Allow myself to be happy. Stop thinking that I shouldnt be like this, and allow myself to fuck up. Dont go too reckless but dont shelter yourself either. Just be who you are and if people cannot accept that, then fuck them. They are not worth being any part of my life.